I am declining to go to my lab tonight. I know I should go, need to go. And yet.
And yet, I am going to be bad instead.
Also, I'm feeling miserably stressed about school and work. Does anyone care to cheer me up?
I tried writing several succinct, bitingly witty anecdotes that sum up the frustrations of my day.
But the only thing I can really think of is how badly I want to put a blanket over my head and sleep for three days. Then wake up and strangle the world.
The world, baby.
I am sort of dying a little bit about the fact that the new Dark Tower comic book is coming out NEXT WEDNESDAY.
It's entirely new canon, taking off from Mejis and presumably, the boys taking Roland back to Gilead while he's glass-possessed. I'm not a huge fan of the art (mostly the inking, which is actually more like painting) but just the opportunity to have new canon picking up from a book that was written in 1997.
And I am absolutely not planning to go to the midnight release dressed like a gunslinger.
Well! Now that I have that off my chest.
Dear CAT Honors Participant:
Congratulations on the acceptance of your nomination to the Russell Sage College Creative Arts in Therapy Honors Weekend! We would like to thank you for joining us for the Honors Program and hope you will find the weekend at Russell Sage fun and challenging.
We have enclosed a tentative schedule for the event. All events are provided at no cost to you. As you can see, we will be expecting you between 4:00 and 6:00 p.m. Friday evening, January 18th.
Enclosed you will find a copy of the schedule, campus map, parking pass, directions and list of hotels.
You will not need dance clothes but come comfortably attired for the workshop with one appropriate black outfit for the showcase performance on Sunday.
If you have any further questions about this event, please contact Professor Leigh Davies at 518-244-2437.
Again, congratulations on this honor! We look forward to seeing you on January 18th!
Creative Arts in Therapy Department
So, after my meeting with the head of the CAT program at Russell Sage, Leigh Davies, I got a letter in the mail from her suggesting I nominate myself for this. Well, I did, and I got in. I'm so excited; it'll be a safe intro to the program so that I can check it out and also get a feel for the college and the kind of people who end up majoring in CAT. Russell Sage was one of the first liberal arts colleges in the northeast to offer a specific CAT program and it is one of the most respected in the country, and I *believe* the only CAT major at a women's college. I'm so excited, mostly for the opportunity to get my foot in the door there, and to meet other CAT students. :D
But Becky- I need a monologue!
Lyra learns to her great cost that fantasy isn't enough. She has been lying all her life, telling stories to people, making up fantasies, and suddenly she comes to a point where that's not enough. All she can do is tell the truth. She tells the truth about her childhood, about the experiences she had in Oxford, and that is what saves her. True experience, not fantasy - reality, not lies - is what saves us in the end.
I'm eating myself alive with stress- mostly self-imposed, in equal parts inevitable and completely unnecessary stress.
God, I desperately do not want this to affect my health but I know it is. I don't want my work to suffer, and if I let school slide, what has all this work been for? Meanwhile, I just want to sleep, and sleep hard.
Quite a lot of this is my own fault. I procrastinate, less now than I did in high school, but it still affects me. I still try to avoid my problems by not thinking about them until the last possible second so I don't freak out, but I'm not organized enough to do that successfully. I'm always juggling something, and I feel like right now, I'm bent over, picking everything up as half of it comes down on my head.
I'm giving everything in my life a much smaller percentage of attention than I need to be. I'm half-assing everything, and it's making me feel terrible.
And on top of that, I can't exorcise the bitter thoughts I keep having about how I would kill to just be able to go to school full-time.
My work resents me for the decrease in my performance and the stress I bring in with me, the advisors at school bring me to tears with their advice. "You're going to have to put work on the back burner and get serious about classes; you have to think of school as an investment." And this isn't even counseling based on my grades- I'm doing pretty good right now. This is just about my spring scheduling, and the fact that my complicated schedule obviously makes their job harder. They make me feel like I have no right to be here, and work gives me the same feeling.
I've never been a person with poor self-esteem, but lately, I've been feeling like something the cat dragged in. I can't stand the way I pick myself apart, I can't stand the way I scurry around everywhere terrified of being late or forgetting something, I can't stand anything about myself lately. I just feel like someone found the valve and let all of the confidence out of me and I can't even dream up a situation that I could do well in, that I could fit into and not just watch, frozen with anxiety, by the wayside.
If the Sox win the World Series, I expect to see ALL OF THEM performing the Papelbon jig. Yes, even you, Curt.
YOU ARE SO AWESOME AND THOUGHTFUL AND TWISTED.
Mostly awesome, but there's a healthy amount of twisted in there, too.
And of course you are super-thoughtful and sweet. Thank you, babe, and I'll see you sometime soon.
Yay, oh my gosh, we won the pennant and we're going to the World Series against the Rockies!
That was such a CRAZY stressful game...but thank GOD for Pedroia and Youkilis.
I can't believe this. I am SO happy.