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tired of whys, choking on whys, just need a little because - there is no doubt, she's such a mouse
April 2008
 
 
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Tue, Dec. 4th, 2007 04:36 pm
tired of whys, choking on whys, just need a little because

I'm eating myself alive with stress- mostly self-imposed, in equal parts inevitable and completely unnecessary stress.

God, I desperately do not want this to affect my health but I know it is. I don't want my work to suffer, and if I let school slide, what has all this work been for? Meanwhile, I just want to sleep, and sleep hard.

Quite a lot of this is my own fault. I procrastinate, less now than I did in high school, but it still affects me. I still try to avoid my problems by not thinking about them until the last possible second so I don't freak out, but I'm not organized enough to do that successfully. I'm always juggling something, and I feel like right now, I'm bent over, picking everything up as half of it comes down on my head.

I'm giving everything in my life a much smaller percentage of attention than I need to be. I'm half-assing everything, and it's making me feel terrible.

And on top of that, I can't exorcise the bitter thoughts I keep having about how I would kill to just be able to go to school full-time.

My work resents me for the decrease in my performance and the stress I bring in with me, the advisors at school bring me to tears with their advice. "You're going to have to put work on the back burner and get serious about classes; you have to think of school as an investment." And this isn't even counseling based on my grades- I'm doing pretty good right now. This is just about my spring scheduling, and the fact that my complicated schedule obviously makes their job harder. They make me feel like I have no right to be here, and work gives me the same feeling.

I've never been a person with poor self-esteem, but lately, I've been feeling like something the cat dragged in. I can't stand the way I pick myself apart, I can't stand the way I scurry around everywhere terrified of being late or forgetting something, I can't stand anything about myself lately. I just feel like someone found the valve and let all of the confidence out of me and I can't even dream up a situation that I could do well in, that I could fit into and not just watch, frozen with anxiety, by the wayside.

Tags:
Current Location: school (should be in College Forum)

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oddprofessor
oddprofessor
Vicki
Tue, Dec. 4th, 2007 11:33 pm (UTC)

Sweetie, I'm sorry. It's a lot to handle, five courses and full-time work, and everyone wants you to pay attention to them and only them.

Take a deep breath and realize that you can only do what you can do. No one is judging you; if you need to adjust, then adjust. Take a lighter course load, whatever your advisor says. He's not living your life, you are. You are in control, whatever it feels like. And you can do this.


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cineophilia
cineophilia
caroline j.
Wed, Dec. 5th, 2007 12:42 am (UTC)

Oh, hugs! You are awesome, and I think you know it inside. School is hard and contains lots of room to crush self esteem and bruise ego. I mean, those are the hidden downs of the awesome life of a student. I don't think any student has felt that they have given it all they could or feels satisfied with it. But I think it's more about the taking than the giving because you are there for yourself, your future, your passion for learning. If it starts feeling like a burden, just remember why you are doing it and what the stress means in the long run.

It's too bad you can't cut back on work a little, though. Or that they don't understand how important school is for you. Don't forget to take some "You" time (or rather You and Steph time! ;))

And I need to catch a train for class in less than 7 hours... so I should go to sleep. Hugs... again.


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